Reality Hits, and hard

Most of you know that last week I had my double mastectomy. I stayed overnight in the hospital, went home the next day. Haven’t had any real issues, nothing medical. Dr. Fant and Dr. Love (breast surgeon and plastic surgeon) said all went really well. ( I never can resist it, and everytime I hear his name it just makes me want to get up, get my air guitar and sing “…Yeah, they call me (Dr. Love). They call me Dr. Love (calling Dr. Love)”). Now back to the surgery and recovery. Coming home, I was fairly prepared, house clean, recliner in the bedroom, meal train in place, drugs lined up and ready for digestion. I also had bought some pretty hideous nightgown type clothing just in case I could stand cloth touching me. When you think of what your grandma wore to bed, well that’s what I bought.

Really, the first week hasn’t been that bad. I take my meds, sleep, relax, eat and repeat. I decided fairly early on that I didn’t want to see myself after this surgery. And, I have done a pretty good job of it thus far. Poor Mark has had to see it, bandage it, empty drains (lost one drain yesterday at Dr. Love’s office – 3 more to go), and believe it or not, he is still here! Love him completely. I found it really hard to get up out of bed, out of chairs, off the couch, and impossible to bend down. Heck, I couldn’t even open the child-proof caps on my meds. I hate being dependent on anyone, but I was. Hailey has been a great nurse. She’s so patient, calm, eager to help. Last week, I managed two baths off the side of the tub, but had to have help with every part of it. One of the worst issues thus far has been in the potty area, and not going for 8 days. That leads into the horrid reality of cancer for me. (Suffice to say that 8 days of accumulation is really hard to void in one 24 hour period and your body isn’t happy).

I have only one word to describe how I feel today – Hideous. I looked it up in Roget’s and its a perfect description of how I feel about myself today. Here’s Roget’s description: grotesque,horrible,  abominable, animal, appalling, awful,  detestable, disgusting, dreadful, frightful, ghastly, grim, grisly, gross*, gruesome, horrendous, horrid,loathsome, macabre, monstrous, morbid, nasty, odious, offensive, repellent, repugnant,repulsive, revolting, shocking, sick, sickening, terrible, terrifying, ugly, uncomely,unsightly, weird. I took my first shower this morning. I took every possible precaution not to view “it”. But I did see a little bit, sat on the toilet and cried. Every single one of those words above describes how “it” looks to me. I find it impossible to see anything being beautifully repaired with this mess. As my cries got a little louder, Mark came in and just held me. He always knows. This so completely reminds me that God sees our sin in this same way, then he sits down and cries for our disobedience. But, over our lives as believers, we do become that impossible, beautifully repaired mess. I take solace where I can get it nowadays.

So, the day goes on and hasn’t gotten much better. I had to find a bra to wear that had some comfort – unsuccessful! Then I put on a t-shirt, and saw my tummy bulging out in front when it used to be secretly hidden under my boobs. I try on several shirts and am unhappy with them all. Its my fault alone to have let myself get into this bad of shape. A friend of mine, who has recently gone through this ordeal, told me that seeing her tummy really made her stop and look at her health, body, eating and exercising habits quite a bit more seriously than ever. That’s how I feel about now. Weight Watchers has been waiting on my return.

Needless to say, I am again thankful for Mark and the beautiful way he loves me through these trying times. God really knew what He was doing when He allowed Mark and I to meet nearly 25 years ago.

For this moment, right now, I feel a little less hideous than I did just a few hours ago. “For such a time as this” always comes to mind when I think of the troubles we have been through over the past 3 years. There must be a reason for such a time as this, I just haven’t found it yet.